Lost and (or) Found
Blog Entry.
Written by: Sheona Goodyear
It is possible to write in ways that are evocative, holistic, embodied, and person-centered, and that this is nevertheless a useful, legitimate contribution to academic understanding (Stanley, 2015, p.146).
These are some thoughts on interpreting lived experiences while also looking for ways to express them, autoethnographically, exploring my authentic voice, or (to say it more academically) experimenting with the style in which I might present my work.
Ellis’ quote about ‘going into the woods without a compass’ (2004, p.120) resonates with me and other autoethnographers as it is referred to often in articles (for example, Hadjiosif, 2023). This summer I practiced this metaphor when I relocated for an international summer school to the University of Toronto (UofT), Canada. The experiences of the trip were rich and taught life and research lessons connected to my work and the project visited, and some perhaps unexpected to me.
I should perhaps explain at the outset that I disappointedly failed in my aspiration to literally take off to the woods, when a hire car I had booked was refused and the money I had paid for camping was lost due to my surprise lack of transport. In all other aspects of my trip, I enthusiastically wandered in the city and the green and blue spaces of Toronto. On the day of the car hire debacle these wanderings both soothed my disappointment and led me to discoveries that I otherwise would not have found, mirroring the model of autoethnography suggested by Ellis (2004) and demonstrated by Stanley (2015).
Autoethnography challenges binary views of outsider researchers and insider participants (Ellis, Adams and Bochner, 2011). Toronto enabled me to explore my outsider persona through differences in lived experience, world view and cultural heritage. For example: being away for the whole of August meant missing my 30th wedding anniversary as well as missing my husband and partner of 32 years. This revelation floored my companion visiting scholars for whom the idea of having sustained a happy, mutually supportive and fulfilling relationship for this length of time, was incomprehensible. My husband and I had never been apart this far or this long and although I enjoyed my independent existence in the endeavour, I didn’t feel quite whole all the same. Being straight and female while working in the context of the International Queer Youth Resilience (INQYR) project group lent another sense of otherness. As a child, I was 100% “tomboy” and revelled in being mistaken for a boy. The reasons for this have been the cause of much overthinking in recent years. And, all my life I have gained more pleasure from (and felt more comfortable in) typically masculine clothing than that which is typically feminine. However, I now feel this has come about from a rejection of gender stereotyping rather than a rejection of my birth assigned gender. I have a surprising number of pink clothes these days, although I can’t deny feeling that I wear them ironically.
Presenting to INQYR peers and UofT, Factor-Intwentash Faculty of Social Work academics, I explained:
I have always felt ‘different’ and ‘other’. I understand the toxicity of keeping your authentic self secret. I also understand shame and its’ insidious impact on self-worth. This was in the spirit of solidarity, not of direct comparison between anyone’s differing lived experiences. It was an attempt to show empathy for challenges that some people face, and explain my world view: emanating from a caring perspective and advocacy for inclusive practice, the provision of equitable opportunities and supporting all people to achieve their potential. (Demonstrating an aspect of my vulnerability, another important feature of autoethnography) I hope my presentation was interpreted in this way. The anonymous feedback given suggested it was well received: Calm tone and good insight … Embrace your inner confidence, you know your topic well. Thoughtfully put together. Very moving. Very articulate and authentic presentation. Very personal – you are interwoven into the research. Deeply touching. Your way of speaking and pauses were impactful and engaging – gave time to process and engage more deeply with what you were saying. Required a lot of vulnerability to share what was presented. Great visuals. Well practiced presentation.
My research is ethically challenging with potential for impact on myself as researcher and a range of people directly, indirectly or not at all involved with the project. Away from the University, I was determinedly seeking inner balance. This and curiosity about different cultures led me to connect with indigenous people and consider their journey. I have always felt at home in and on the water and found solace by escaping to the countryside.
The discovery of a stand up paddleboarding (SUP) business run by indigenous sisters, offering a full moon paddling social on the 1st August seemed too good an opportunity to miss. The spiritual aspect of this experience was deeply moving and demonstrated how shaky my internal balance was. Jenifer, from Oceah Oceah, explained the following to us: (The quote is taken from Oceah Oceah’s website)
As Indigenous women, we are taught that women have a responsibility to the water and it is with these teachings that we find passion and purpose in sharing paddling, connecting people and building community on the water on Lake Ontario and all the waters of the world. We believe that by connecting to the water, especially in an Urban setting it strengthens our ties and relations to water. Expanding consciousness on how we relate to water, use water and protect water. Water is Life. (Oceah Oceah, 2023)
When the moon rose across Lake Ontario on August the 1st , it was astonishing! The moon appeared blood red and reflected this light as a fiery path across the lake. The reality that the effect was likely produced by smoke in the atmosphere from the wildfires that destroyed more than 15 million hectares of Canadian forest this summer, made the moon’s appearance no less significant and many people gathered along the lakeshore to witness it. Jenifer told us that full moons are unsettling times and having witnessed this one in a strange place, albeit among such an extraordinary, open and welcoming group of people, my jitteriness seemed explained.
I received unconditional welcome and acceptance over and again by different people during the trip: the Canadian academics I was lucky to connect with, INQYR “buddy” students, staff at the UofT First Nations House, Jenifer and her family (met on other occasions), staff at the McCord Stewart Museum (McGill University, Montreal) and at the Native Canadian Centre of Toronto. This humbling and unexpected attitude was conceptualised at the Indigenous Voices of Today exhibition, at McCord Stewart Museum, as part of ‘an ensemble of skills and techniques’ inherent in Nomadism which ‘results in a particular world view rooted in observation, adaptation and the maintenance of a network of relations with all entities of the universe’ (Indigenous Voices of Today: Knowledge, Trauma, Resilience, 2023). Visitors to the exhibition are encouraged to treat the experience as an ‘encounter’ and told that ‘to engage in an encounter, one must be mobile and set aside one’s prejudices in order to achieve a true understanding of the other’. This not only explains the openness I was met with, but also seems very useful advice to underpin research encounters.
My response to encounters with indigenous people seemed rooted in empathy for the traumas endured individually and culturally by the First Nations. I was told at the Native Canadian Centre of Toronto that children sent to residential schools were silenced through prohibition of their languages and communication between themselves or with their family or community beyond the school. Through this program, designed to assimilate native children into colonial culture, children were taught not to speak of their experience, not to feel and not to trust. This startling similarity with the experience of other childhood trauma shed light on my emotional reaction. The evidence revealed at Indigenous Voices of Today: Knowledge, Trauma, Resilience (2023) of sexual abuse suffered in these institutions and its long term impact cemented this understanding.
I knew that I had not been as open or honest in my encounters with Jenifer and her family as they had been with me. In my final few days in Toronto, I resolved to set this straight. With the traditional gift of tobacco, I had learned about, to show respect and gratitude, I acknowledged this to Jenifer and asked if she would like me to explain my research to her to address the imbalance in our encounter and the internal imbalance I was trying to resolve. Her gracious acceptance confirmed my instinct to trust her and led to authentic sharing and sensitive interpretation of the impact of difficult life experiences and personal vulnerabilities. This may have been a transient encounter and temporary connection but it was no less meaningful for this. On the eve of the 30th and August’s second, blue, full moon, although we came from worlds apart, I think we both felt heard and achieved a deeper, truer understanding of each other, gaining a new branch in our ‘network of relations’ consistent with the spirit of an authentic ‘encounter’ (Indigenous Voices of Today: Knowledge, Trauma, Resilience, 2023):
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References
Ellis, C. (2004) The ethnographic I, a methodological novel about autoethnography. Oxford, Altamira Press.
Ellis, C., Adams, T. E. and Bochner, A. P. (2011) Autoethnography: An overview. Forum: Qualitative Social Research, 12 (1). Available at: https://www.qualitativeresearch.net/index.php/fqs/article/view/1589/3095 (Accessed on: 4 October 2023).
Hadjiosif, M. (2023) Personality and self, qualitative methods: Let there be chaos. Available at: https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/let-there-be-chaos (Accessed on 14 September 2023).
Indigenous Voices of Today: Knowledge, Trauma, Resilience (2023). [Exhibition]. McCord Stewart Museum, Montreal. 24 September 2021-permanent exhibition.
Oceah Oceah (2023) About. Available at: https://www.oceahoceah.com/about (Accessed: 14 September 2023).
Stanley, P. (2015) Writing the PhD Journey(s): An autoethnography of zine-writing, angst, embodiment, and backpacker travels. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 44 (2) pp.143- 168.
